By: Tim Stevens
Song: I’m Too Sexy
Artist: Right Said Fred
Album: Up
(Picture taken from http://koolcampus.wordpress.com/)
DAVID is walking around the room, packing things in a duffel bag. Cassie is sitting on the end of a messy bed watching him incredulously.
CASSIE
And we’re breaking up?
DAVID shrugs and nods, not really breaking stride
CASSIE
Because you are
BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY (CASSIE’s sounds like a question, DAVID’s is more of a definitive statement)
Magnificent?/.
DAVID (without sign of irony or that this could be a hard/uncomfortable situation)
Yes. Exactly yes. Glad to hear you understand and are onboard.
CASSIE (clearly confused)
I—well—it’s not really my choice to be onboard or not. If you want to break up, I can’t stop it. But I definitely don’t understand.
DAVID (surprised)
Really?
CASSIE (annoyed)
Yes! Really! I was under the impression we were both pretty happy.
DAVID
Oh, we are. I certainly am. Very happy, in fact.
CASSIE
But we’re breaking up?
DAVID
Yes.
CASSIE
But we are both happy?
DAVID
Yes.
CASSIE
But we’re breaking up?
DAVID (excited she seems to be getting it)
Exactly.
CASSIE
See…I’m having a hard time with how both those could be true.
DAVID (sitting on the bed, putting his hand on her knee)
Ok…I think I’m seeing the problem. So, it’s like this. I love you. I’m happy. You are a good girlfriend.
CASSIE
Except…?
DAVID
Well, except nothing. Honestly. It’s just that…I’m excellent.
CASSIE
Uh…huh.
DAVID
Good. You get it now, right?
CASSIE
Um…no.
DAVID (seems a little confused how she can’t get this)
Let me try this. I’m me.
Points to himself
DAVID
You’re…you.
Points to her.
CASSIE (exasperated)
That. Explains. NOTHING!
DAVID (unshaken almost as though he doesn’t even notice)
We’d both agree that I am wonderful, right?
CASSIE (sighs)
This conversation excluded, yes.
DAVID
And you, Cassie, you are good. Great even. But…
He pauses for a moment
DAVID (almost apologetic in tone)
Like you agreed, I’m wonderful. So…well…it’s kind of wrong if you think about it. You know, for wonderful to…settle for someone who’s just. Or great even.
He pats her knee and stands up, seemingly confusing her stunned silence with the silence of agreement.
DAVID (walking into the bathroom)
Good talk.
Walks in bathroom, sounds of things opening and closing.
DAVID (from the bathroom)
Have you seen my nail clippers? You have two pairs and I had one, but only see your two? Cassie? Eh…I’ll buy another one later today. No big deal.
Walks back into bedroom. CASSIE throws a pillow at him.
CASSIE
You must be kidding me! I’m just “good.”
DAVID
Or, you know, great even.
CASSIE
So that’s it then? You never loved me?!
DAVID
What? No, no! I loved you. I love you. Quite a bit, in fact. But you know…
Points to self, shrugs
DAVID
Magnificent.
CASSIE
What exactly makes you wonderful and me not?
David starts to take off his shirt.
CASSIE (angry)
What are you doing?!
DAVID (confused, shirt bunched up on one arm only)
I mean, you asked, right? So, here’s exhibit one. This body. It’s a damn good body.
CASSIE (resigned)
Granted. But…I have a nice body, too.
DAVID (shrugging)
Sure. I mean…great breasts, for certain.
CASSIE (incensed)
Just breasts?!
DAVID
No, no, no. Not just. Just…mostly.
CASSIE (muttering)
You are… unbelievable. You really believe you’re better than me…
DAVID
Don’t get me wrong here, Cassie. I don’t want to be better than you. I just am. I went to a better school where I get better grades. I have a better job than you. My apartment is much cleaner than yours. I eat better than you. I can dunk. I’m pretty sure you can’t.
CASSIE (hands on hips, so angry she is almost crying now)
Are you done?
DAVID (proceeding as though he didn’t hear her)
My exes still call me all the time and offer me no-strings-attached sex. Or lots-of-strings-attached serious relationships. My parents are still married. And in love.
CASSIE
My father is dead!
DAVID
Good point. That’s another one. Both my parents are still alive.
Cassie flops on the bed, covers her eyes, and sobs.
DAVID (sitting next to her)
Oh, Cass…don’t be sad. We’ll find someone else for you. Oh, I know. Barry.
CASSIE (wiping her eyes, propping herself up on her elbows, speaking suspiciously)
Why Barry?
DAVID
Why not Barry? Or, George? Or Fred? All good guys, even great, and people you can date.
CASSIE (tenaciously)
Yes, but you didn’t say any of them. You said Barry. Like…right away. So, why Barry?
DAVID
Is it the blind thing? Is that why you are being weird? Because he’s blind? Wow…I mean, I know I’m better than you but I never realized you were a bigot.
CASSIE (on the defensive)
I’m not a bigot! I have no problem with Barry’s…disability…
She trails off before rallying back
CASSIE
Wait! That’s why you suggested him, isn’t it? Because he’s blind?!
DAVID
Well…
CASSIE
Are you serious?
DAVID
I just figured…I mean, he’d be a good fit for you. He could… appreciate your…assets…
DAVID makes the international sign for curvy in the air.
DAVID (continuing)
…and overlook your…deficiencies.
DAVID circles his face a few times and then points to her.
DAVID
So…you get it now?
CASSIE
Oh, I get it!
DAVID (relieved)
Excellent! Good bye then.
Hoists his bag onto his shoulder, walks out the bedroom door to the hall. Walks back in a moment later
DAVID
Just to you know, until I do find an equal to date, I am…available. So, if you want…
He gestures up and down his torso
DAVID
…all this, just give me a call. Like I said before, you have great breasts, so I’d be happy to see them again.
She just stares at him.
DAVID
Well, something to consider. Oh, and I’m leaving the cat. The cat is…decidedly not magnificent.
He leaves whistling.
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